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While I was looking for Father’s Day gifts back in June I came across a lot of fancy handprint kits.* I really liked them but couldn’t justify spending $40+ on what’s basically a picture frame. So I made one myself.

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The frame was $12.99 at Target (I just looked for one with a large white mat – there were several choices). The paint is Crayola non-toxic craft paint, also from Target and about $6 total. And I printed the picture out using our home printer (I’m going to replace it with a nicer one IF I CAN EVER GET E TO DRESS UP AND POSE FOR ONE FRICKIN MINUTE).

If you notice, my hand is yellow and E’s is blue. And yellow and blue make green, so the baby’s print is green. Aw how disgustingly cute. Also, I suspect they use midgets and not babies for the product pictures of baby handprints, since the somewhat smudgy one we got was after three practice tries. Babies are more interested in rubbing the paint on their face than making beautiful treasured keepsakes. Selfish babies. Can’t they see the big picture? Anyways, if you’re somehow related to me expect your own version of this at Christmas. Try to act surprised.

*Actual Father’s Day gift: Tool belt and tool caddy I picked out in Home Depot while E was buying lumber and presented to him at the checkout so he could pay for it.

Today at my HUGE FAILURE of a yard sale (chance of sprinkles MY ASS BOB, it poured all morning – well, not all morning, just the part of the morning after I had already set up everything in the driveway) our very nice friends stopped by to keep us company and let their three year old run in circles around our dog. It was a win-win situation really, they both burned off enough energy for a nice nap – although in the end I think it was more of a win for us, as the dog is still exhausted and their daughter is probably already in running in circles again. Let me tell you just how much I’m looking forward to THOSE years.

Anyways, while they were here I put the baby down on the carpet and said “Watch, he can roll over now!” And Baby Evan smiled and laughed and lay there like a lump. “No really!” I said “He rolls all the time!” And Baby Evan didn’t move. Then Joe Wilson jumped out from behind my bushes and yelled “You lie!” Fox News plans to air the footage at 7:00. Ok ok, not really. But no matter how much I encouraged him, Baby Evan refused to roll and I looked like a delusional person insisting over and over that I DID see a magical rainbow unicorn I DID. Either this kid already has a really twisted sense of humor or the presence of people other than me and his father makes his brain shut down. That bodes really well for his education.

Now it’s 6:30 and our company is long gone and I’m sitting here typing this with one hand because the other one is CLAMPED AROUND THE BABY’S LEG to keep him from throwing himself off the couch. And just to prove I’m not delusional, here’s the proof:

Every parent has hopes and dreams for their children, and from even the very beginning we watch for signs that our baby might be destined for greatness.  Based on his own very unique set of skills, here are some career options for Baby Evan:

Fireman – He can pee on whatever’s on fire. Don’t worry if it’s big or far away, he was really thirsty this morning.

Chef – His restaurant will be super modern and avant garde, serving dishes such as Dog Hair Chowder and Steamed Sleeve with Drool Sauce.

Explosives expert – He has a special skill for ‘splosions.

Dairy Farmer – Self explanatory.

Politician – He’s already so full of shit he can’t keep it to himself. He’s also has the charm, the good looks, and the scandalous naked pictures.

Caught with my pants down

Caught with my pants down

Veterinarian – All the doggies he could ever want AND he gets to poke at them.

Bad guy in a James Bond movie – I think this is his best bet as it combines his skills for being evil, explosions, a love for animals and his giant head all into one perfect profession.

I don’t think Baby Evan is ever going to crawl. I am only slightly upset about this development, as it means I can delay my baby proofing a little while longer. Unfortunately, that means when I do baby proof I’ll have to go right to the locking-up-everything stage instead of the empty-the-bottom-shelf stage, complete with baby gates, toilet locks (?), anti-door-slamming devices (???) and padded faucets in the tub (???????)

Baby Evan has always hated tummy time and now that he can roll front-to-back without any effort he won’t stay face down for more than a couple seconds. He can sit with very little help and stand almost on his own. He looooves the standing, looooooooooves it lovelovelovelovelove and would stand all day if his mean evil mommy didn’t complain about her arms hurting and make him lie back down WAH WAH WAH WAH WAAAAAAH. But because he refuses to spend any time on this tummy he hasn’t progressed to straight-armed push ups and could care less about trying to get up on his knees.

I’ve done the required Google search for “OMG what if my baby never crawls?!?” and “is not crawling a sign of autism/ADD/childhood cancer/douchbagism?” and everything is very reassuring. Lots of babies skip certain milestones in favor of other ones. He’s been right on track with smiling, laughing, motor skills and growth. I have no real reasons to worry – so I won’t. Or I’ll try not to. So what if all the other 5 months old at mom’s group are practicing their downward dogs and rolling front to back? My kid is well on his way to being the youngest person ever to run a marathon.

IMG_3160No reason, I just love this one.

Happy Birthday Baby! How can it only have been four months since this adorable little boy came into my life?
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I feel like he’s been mine forever. Baby Evan has such a huge personality, full of laughs and smiles for friends and strangers. He loves tickles and raspberries and being tossed lifted over your head. He’s quite a daredevil already and I am counting the days until he starts leaping off the furniture. He can sit up in your lap or propped up on the couch.
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He loves to stand up if you hold his arms or his waist and he can roll front to back but not quite back to front. IMG_2960

He loves animals more than anything and is already learning to pet the doggie and the kitty “nicely”. He can make lots of baby sounds, including all of the vowels, m, w, b, and h, and has started screeching and cackling when he laughs. He sleeps through the night and takes two long and two or three short naps a day, so I get lots of time for chores, cooking, the internet, or naps of my own. He has started to listen when you read to him, looking at the pages and trying to grab the book. I am so looking forward to every moment of watching him grow from a tiny little Gollum-lump to an independent, happy, loving boy. Happy birthday my darling baby. Baby? Hey, baby over here!
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DOOOOOOOGGGIIIIIIIIIEEEE!!!!

The following takes place between 12:00 am July 30th and 12:00 am July 31st:

12:00 am – ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

2:21 am – Wake up for two seconds and roll over, check that baby is breathing, go back to sleep.

3:52 am – Try to roll onto my right side and am stopped by hugely enormous swollen boob. I’m worried about getting a plugged duct so I hand-express some milk (some=soaks through two burp cloths).

3:52 am – Baby smells milk and wakes up.

3:55 am – Take baby into nursery to nurse, since my lazy lying down breastfeeding has done some damage to my right nipple and it’s really sore.

4: 20 am – Baby make huge diaper-filling poop noise. During the diaper change I realize I only have tiny, size 1 diapers upstairs and would have to go downstairs for the right ones. Decide to risk poopsplosion by using size 1s.

4:22 am – Everyone’s asleep again. ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz.

6:00 am – E’s alarm goes off. I can barely hear it with the pillow over my head. Baby Evan isn’t the least bit disturbed. I go back to sleep.

7:59 am – Neighbor’s construction crew shows up with large trucks, heavy equipment and a dozen shouting men.

8:01 am – Baby Evan wakes up. I unwrap the one arm he had swaddled and leave him in the co-sleeper to amuse himself while I get dressed and use the bathroom. My, I look very well rested today. I think I might even do my workout DVD later so I put on workout clothes.

8:10 am – I take the baby downstairs for his breakfast. The neighbor’s construction crew backs trucks up and down the (shared) driveway for fun. Boy do I love that beeping sound first thing in the morning. Let the dog out, feed the dog, promise the cats I’ll feed them later.

8:20 am – Baby is fed and burped so I try to give him his antacid medicine. He immediately pukes his entire feeding and the medicine up all over himself and the Boppy. I decide I’ll give him another half dose. He hates it but keeps it down. I give him a toy to amuse himself while I check email and catch up on the news and the interwebs.

8:21 am – POOPSPLOSION!!!! and diaper change.

9:30 am – Baby Evan decides his toy is boring and that he would rather kick me. Kick kick kick kick.

9:31 am – Drag vibrating baby seat upstairs to entertain Baby Evan while I do laundry, fold laundry, put away laundry, make the bed, and clean the bathroom.

10:00 am – Baby starts making oooo oooo oooo mmmm mmmm mmmm noises. I cleverly deduce he might be hungry.

10:10 am – Thank God the nursing put Baby to sleep. I sneak him into the swing for his morning nap and go about feeding myself and collecting all the baby laundry for a load this afternoon.

10:30 am – Distracted by the interwebs. Ok, NOW I’m going to go get something to eat.

10:45 am – Baby poops himself awake before I can finish my sandwich (what, sandwiches are breakfast food). I finish my sandwich anyways.

10:52 am – Diaper change. Poop report -very green, not too smelly, did not leak. I’d give it a B+.

10:53 am – Baby is playing happily on his baby gym. I struggle with whether or not to do my Postnatal Bootcamp DVD when I know the Price is Right will be on in a couple minutes. I decide to wait and see if I’ve already seen this episode before I commit to the workout.

11:05 am – I’ve seen this one. Workout DVD it is.

11:45 am – The workout that was supposed to last 20 minutes took me twice as long because the baby was bored. I tried the gym, the swing, the couch, several toys and the Bumpo chair before settling on the exersaucer. It’s the only one that gives him a clear view of the dog.

12:00 pm – The baby is tired and hungry but insists he is NOT TIRED and NOT HUNGRY. I am boiling hot and sweaty and smelly so I don’t blame him for not wanting to cuddle but I can’t take a shower while he’s this unhappy. I eventually get him still enough to aim my nipple in the general vicinity of his mouth and he gives in. Ten minuted later he’s sound asleep. I’m so lucky that he’s a quick eater – I would not have stuck out the breastfeeding thing if it took an hour or more to finish each feeding.

12:15 pm – Baby’s asleep in the nursery (for the first time ever, although he’s still in the bouncy seat and not the crib) so I hop in the shower.

12:49 pm – I’m clean, dressed and wearing mascara. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. We’re having people over tonight so I briefly consider making brownies but decide it’s too hot to turn on the oven. Plus I’ve heard our guests may be bringing cookies. Mmmmm…cookies.

12:50 pm – Must be lunch time for the neighbor’s contractors. I notice their van has completely blocked my car in the driveway. I suddenly think of a dozen places I really need to go and start to get annoyed.

12:57 pm – Dog starts barking at neighbor’s contractors who have wandered too close to my back garden. I shush him but secretly feel glad that he’s big and kind of loud. I’m not a fan of all these strangers wandering around.

1:oo pm – Man, daytime tv sucks.

1:05 pm – Clean: downstairs bathroom, family room, kitchen (again) and litter box. I get distracted by the disgusting state of the basement and start rearranging and pulling crap out of the corners. By the time I’m done there’s a huge pile of “yard sale” stuff in the middle of the floor and I’m filthy dirty again.

1:55 pm – I hear the baby playing with the toys on the bouncy seat so I head upstairs to get him.

1:56 pm – Diaper change. Just wet.

2:00 pm – It’s like a zillion degrees in this stupid non-air conditioned house. I aim one of our big noisy box fans right at my seat on the couch just so I can feed the baby without being cooked to death.

2:10 pm – The baby is done eating so it’s play time. I’m trying to teach him to give kisses, which is really just pressing his mouth against something. I think he’s getting the idea though.

2:21 pm – E’s home! He amuses Baby Evan with a few rounds of Rock Band.

4:00 pm – Feed the baby.

4:10 pm – Baby’s asleep on the Boppy on the couch but I don’t think it’s going to last long. I use my free time to do very important things play games on the internet. And to eat some Pringles, the dinner of champions.

4:45 pm – The baby wakes up and acts adorable.

4:52 pm – The baby starts howling like a banshee.

4:55 pm – Diaper change. The poop is yellow with…little black things? How did he eat that? Still not smelly though. I give it a C.

5:00 pm – Shockingly, after all my interwebs time wasting the baby now wants attention. E and I take turns swinging on the front porch, making silly faces, and throwing him (GENTLY) in the air for the lulz.

5:30 pm – Dinner time for babies. No food for the adults though. Still hoping for cookies.

5:44 pm – Screaming and thrashing time for babies. He throws up a little but is happy as soon as E picks him up and starts patting his back.

6:25 pm – I finish the baby laundry and general tidying, sweep the front porch and make some iced tea for our game night. E rocks Baby Evan on the front porch swing.

6:30 pm – Our friends come over for some adult conversation and a few rounds of the marble game (THE BEST GAME EVAR). They brought their adorable and well behaved 3 year old…and cookies! Thanks Amanda! Baby Evan sits in the bouncy seat and makes funny faces the whole time.

7:30 pm – Feed the baby without having to get up or ever miss my turn. Baby falls asleep.

9:00 pm – Our company leaves.

9:01 pm – Feed the baby, baby screams and throws up. E changes him and tries to give him his medicine but he pukes it all over himself and the changing table cover.

9:02 pm – Ok, I guess it’s bath time. E washes the puke and sticky medicine off Baby Evan. Now he smells like baby shampoo.

9:05 pm – I spend 30 minutes smelling the baby’s head and chewing on kissing his chubby face.

9:35 pm – E and I take turns holding Baby Evan while we watch fast forward through most of the So You Think You Can Dance results show (They did the door routine (yah!) and the one to Bleeding Love (double yah!) and Evan made it to the finals! Everyone loves people named Evan).

9:50 pm – E swaddles the baby and stands next to the couch rocking him. I sit on my butt and think about how nice it is to have someone else to do that.

9:55 pm – Baby is totally asleep. We watch the last 10 minutes of SYTYCD. E pets the baby’s head because he’s so cute when he’s passed out.

10:05 pm – Everyone’s in bed. With the giant box fan blowing directly on the bed it’s almost a bearable temperature in here.

10:25 pm – The last time I remember seeing on the clock before I pass out.

12:00 am – ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz.

– I need to stop threatening to eat my baby, no matter how chubby and delicious his legs look.

– I wonder if all almost-four-month-olds know how to make THE WORST NOISE IN THE WORLD. Baby Evan has started screeching like he’s being strangled and he has to make sure ALL the neighbors know it. I’m expecting the police to show up any minute.

– Oh God, is it teething? Is it going to keep happening? I’d better Google “how long does teething last?”

– The baby loves the dog more than he loves me. A LOT more.

– There is no one in the world I like hate enough to ask to babysit a child who can’t be more than 10 minutes away from my boobs, so I guess I’ve got a couple more months before we get a parents night out.

– I hereby declare this week “Take-out week” since I refuse to turn on the stove at 85+ degrees.

– Taking care of a screaming child uses up an entire days worth of patience. Telemarketers and ATT tech support beware.

– Jumping and splashing in the river like a couple of 15-year olds is better than marriage counseling.

– After watching that “news” story about cankles on tv this morning, I think a) America is totally screwed up and b) I finally found a body part that I can be totally happy about. No cankles here!

– Since when can my tiny baby boy stand up!? You can’t even roll over, where do you think you’re going??
IMG_2859p.s. My in-laws gave us that onesie. Isn’t it hilarious? Now he looks even more delicious.

Dear Jeopardy,

Although I am confident my child is incredibly gifted and a true genius who will someday cure cancer, discover the secret to cold fusion, and invent a diet pill that causes chocolate to burn fat, lets give him a second to figure out how his hands work and why he can’t fit both in his mouth at once. So maybe you should cool it with the “Your child could be on Jeopardy!” emails for, say, five more years. Or at least until he stop crapping himself. K, thanks.

xoxo

Suzanne

14 weeks

My future genius at 14 weeks.

Things I have not had time to do yet today:
1. Eat
2. My 18 minute work-out video
3. Take a nap to make up for that 3 am feeding
4. Bring in the trash cans
5. Laundry
6. Put on a shirt not covered in spit-up
7. Make the bed
8. Take a shower

Things I DID do:
1. Change the baby
2. Feed the baby
3. Change the baby
4. Feed the baby
5. You get the idea
6. Call my doctor for a Diflucan prescription that I will probably won’t get to pick up until some time tomorrow since today is turning out to be an endless cycle of baby care.

So really, darling husband, when you announce you are “coming home for lunch” don’t be surprised when my response is more “Great, hold this kid while I pee” and less “I’ll be waiting for you, stud”.

I love email! It's like talking to other grown ups without having to worry if the baby is screaming! Contact me: bebehblog@gmail.com
August 2017
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