What the hell is wrong with the people who make baby clothes? Have they never seen an actual baby? You thought women’s clothing was bad, what with vanity sizing and no two brands having the same inseams and the total lack of pockets and “mediums” that really mean “nothing bigger than a B cup you fat fatty!” That’s nothing compared with trying to buy infant clothing.

The worst offender is Gerber. At my baby shower my BFF Erin had everyone decorate these adorable plain white onesies. Some of them were super duper cute. My mom’s had as arrow pointing at the neck that said “This End Up”. One of Evan’s cousins wrote “You think I’m cute, your right!” and my copy editor friend Sara had an aneurysm. My sister did every animal in Noah’s Ark PLUS an amazing black and white drawing of Moishe, the Wild Thing with horns. Baby Evan fit in those 0-3 month onesies for exactly 2 months. So my sister bought some 3-6 month Gerber onesies and decorated some more. Which Baby Evan outgrew in five minutes. What the hell Gerber? Are you trying to give the baby on your food jars an eating disorder?

Target’s selection for 6-12 months is abysmal – unless your baby is a girl. Gymboree lumps 6-12 months into ONE SIZE so my giant baby has been wearing most of it for a month already and is going to need a larger size before the winter is over. Carter’s does single month sizing, so Baby Evan has been in “6 months”  stuff for two months and is now in the “9 month” stuff. Even the fancy-pants high end baby stuff has lousy sizing – the 12 month sweater my aunt sent that cost at least $35 fits now. This totally random sizing makes buying baby clothes second hand or on Craigslist almost impossible. If someone’s selling a lot of “12 month” clothing about half of it is suitable for my almost 6 month old and half of it would fit a two year old.

I know babies vary in size (there’s a mom at my mom’s group whose 3 month old is 8 lbs – and then that woman in Indonesia gave birth to a 19 lb baby) so sizing clothing for them can be hard. But here’s an idea: label them with WEIGHTS, like diapers. TA-DA. I AM A GENIUS. Actually, some of the old Carter’s stuff my mom gave me from 20 years ago does have weights so I wasn’t the first person to think of this. I just don’t know why they stopped.