Last night we reached a new milestone in baby development, one I didn’t actually know existed. If you already have children past this stage (an almost 1-year-old perhaps, or a 3-year-old) you might want to go put on a helmet because you’re going to be nodding along to this post so vigorously you’re in danger of hurting yourself. This is not the good kind of milestone, like laughing or rolling or potty training. This is a developmental milestone that means the end of your happy, smiley child who everyone calls “so good-natured!” and “such a happy boy!”

Baby Evan WANTS THINGS. Not things like food or sleep or a clean diaper. He wants things like the blue toy or the teething rings or the stuffed elephant. But those are bad examples because I am totally ok with giving him the blue toy or the teething rings or the stuffed elephant. Those are all baby appropriate. It is cute that he will scoot across the floor to get to the toy he prefers that day or minute or hour.

No, the problem is that Baby Evan wants my cell phone. Or my glass of juice. Or that knife, that plastic bag, the cat that scratches, that power cord, my digital camera, Daddy’s beer. He WANTS THEM. He NEEDS THEM. He wants and needs them IN HIS MOUTH RIGHT NAAAAAAOOOOOOOW. He’s also smart enough to remember things even after you put them out of sight. He knows you’re hiding the fun, shiny, pointy things out of his reach and that your eardrums should pay the price for your cruelty.

Since he started doing this yesterday afternoon he’s been grumpy or fussing pretty much every single waking moment. Right now he’s finally napping after a morning of squirming and twisting and kicking to get free from my evil, restrictive grasp so he can throw himself at every sharp corner or dangerous item in the house. I’m planning a walk for later – at least the stroller has straps to hold him in – and then an evening of lying on the floor trying to convince him his baby toys are just as much fun to play with as the keys on my laptop. If I fail, my next post might be written without using the letters A, S, Z, Q, or any caps. AND THEN MY LIFE WILL BE OVER.

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