I watch a LOT of crap tv. A LOT. Embarrassing amounts. There is a distinct possibility Baby Evan’s first words will be “Coming up, at tonight’s elimination…” followed by “BLEEP”. I’m sure my brain is rotting away at a truly alarming pace. It’s a dirty, dirty habit that’s a direct result of being deprived of cable from ages 4-18. Nice try, parental units, but your little girl has definitely made up for all that quality PBS programming you forced me to watch. P.S. I also figured out the S-E-X and the S-W-E-A-R-I-N-G without the H-B-O.

But OH EM GEE have you seen 16 and Pregnant on MTV? I cannot get enough of this show. It’s part guilty voyeurism, part total sympathy and part “I can absolutely relate to that”. It turns out having a newborn is pretty much the same whether you’re 16, 26 or 36. The only difference is who is or isn’t around to help (turns out douchebag boyfriends aren’t so good at changing diapers) and who is or isn’t giving you “advice”. In one of the saddest moments I’ve ever seen, one girl’s mother said she “wasn’t good with medical stuff” and didn’t want to be in the delivery room. Since the baby’s father was already gone, this poor 16 year old suddenly realized she was going to give birth without anyone there to support her. The same mother was discouraging her daughter from breastfeeding because it might make her boobs saggy. The poor doctor trying to give, you know, actual medical advice didn’t stand a chance. I bet any sex talk that went on in that family included the words “special hug”. I’m shocked she ended up pregnant. SHOCKED I TELL YOU.

I don’t know if kids even watch MTV anymore but I sure hope the 15-year-olds I know take a break from their tweeting and sexting and whatever else they’re up to these days and tune in. Although I think the producers should add a neon flashing “WEAR A CONDOM” graphic. It could go right over the douchebag boyfriend’s face.