The most consistent advice anywhere about how to handle having a newborn is: Sleep when the baby sleeps. Let me tell you, that is total crap.

If I slept every time the baby slept I’d be getting like 18 hours of sleep a day. None of it would be very restful though, since his naps only last 2-3 hours. I’d never get a shower or a meal or change my clothes. The worst part is losing those blocks of time. When I sleep, breastfeed, sleep, breastfeed, sleep, etc. I end up feeling like a dairy cow. It’s actually more refreshing to spend a couple hours watching Law & Order, doing some laundry or making brownies instead of  just checking out. It breaks the cycle.

Also, sleep is supposed to help increase your milk production, something I am NOT in favor of. I almost blinded the baby this morning when I unhooked my bra and the milk actually squirted 6 inches right into his eye. I could have saved myself the $30 I spent on that breast pump and just “manually expressed” my milk into bottles since my boobs are apparently capable of expressing themselves.

Maybe I just have a baby that sleeps more than normal and I should STFU for a few more weeks. I hear that’s when colic usually hits. Since I was the most horrible, colicky child ever I feel the universe is bound to punish me.