Yesterday I left this message on E’s voicemail. Note: read in your best Veruca Salt voice.

“Where aaaaaare you? Are you still at work? Are you coming home? I’m really hungry and I want a cheeseburger but it’s raaaaaaining and there’s no gas in the car and it’s cooooold and I don’t want to put on pants. Why don’t you answer your phone? Don’t you love me? I’m nine months pregnant! Bring me a cheeseburger!!!”

E did not bring me a cheeseburger. Instead, he rolled his eyes and called me incredibly needy.

HA. You think this is needy? I speak English and wipe my own butt, buddy. JUST YOU WAIT.