All my dreams last night were about zombies. Zombies trying to eat my brain. It wasn’t scary, more like “Shaun of the Dead” than “28 Days Later” as I was just trying to go about my regular day while avoiding being mauled and eaten. Locked doors, big sticks and running away was enough to keep me alive, but God it was so tiring. Pregnant women are totally doomed in the world of zombies.

What the Expect talks about the meanings of typical pregnancy dreams, but strangely, never mentioned zombies. So far, they have failed to address almost all my weird dreams, so I think I’m going to write my own guide:

You dream of…zombies. You fear…that your baby is actually an alien being trying to eat you from the inside out. He has already eaten at least 20% of your BRAAAAAIIIIIN and he’s not even born yet.

You dream of…arguing with people on the internet. You fear…you may be spending too much time online instead of – hold on, I just have to update my Facebook status.

You dream of…killing your husband for calling you “tubby”, although he claims it was an accident. You fear…nothing. That’s totally normal.

You dream of…giving birth to a kitten/puppy/large sum of money. You fear…you could take much better care of any of those things than an actual baby. Especially the money, since it can never resent you.

You dream of…your mother-in-law. You fear…your mother-in-law.