My hospital pre-registration paperwork came yesterday. I guess this means I’m having the baby the old fashioned way instead of waiting on that pain-free teleportation device after all. It also makes me feel like the healthiest person on the face of the planet, since out of four pages of possible ailments and problems the only thing I had to check “yes” to was “ARE YOU PREGNANT?” Since my answers are so boring I amused myself by writing “Growing a baby” under “Mother’s occupation”.

They also sent me the birth certificate worksheet to get a jump start on the paperwork after the baby. My first reaction is to tear it up in a fit of outrage. Why does it matter what my level of education is? What difference does it make how long I’ve lived at my current address? And are you seriously asking how many terminations I’ve had??? You need to know this for the birth certificate why exactly? I already told you TWELVE TIMES who the baby’s father is, could you PLEASE stop asking now? The truth is no one’s going to judge me based on any of my responses. They’re all the approved, middle-class, white people answers. It doesn’t stop me feeling like this is none of their business.

I did get a little thrill from filling in the “Child’s Name” boxes, although I’m considering taking this opportunity to officially list the baby’s name as “Princess Consuella Bananahammock”.