Dear Victoria’s Secret,

Truth is, I like you. We’ve had some good times. 5 pair of underwear for $25 is a good deal. Your semi-annual sale is an event I almost never miss.  Remember the $800 I put on my Angels credit card before the wedding? I even love your clothing selection and would very much like you to offer your sweaters, dresses and workout clothes in stores instead of just online. So please don’t take what I am about to say too harshly.

GO TO HELL. Sending me catalogs featuring $200 bikinis when I can barely afford warm socks is mean enough. Sending them to Connecticut in January is evil. And sending them to someone who is 7 months pregnant may be unconstitutional, since it is cruel and unusual punishment. The happy people on the sunny, warm beaches wearing teeny tiny outfits with not a stretch mark or dimple in sight could be damaging to my mental status. I need to think of my health and the health of my unborn baby.

So I set your catalog on fire. Please feel free to send another one, Duraflame logs are kind of expensive.