Dear Fellow Pregnant People,

Please promise me right now you will not so much as LOOK at a scale between now and three months after you give birth. I am trying to save you from the pain I experienced this morning, when in a fit of insanity I decided to find out just how much weight I had gained. I actually haven’t been that hungry lately, and with the nice weather I’ve made it to the gym multiple times. My maternity clothes haven’t been getting any tighter and when I Googled images of “20 weeks pregnant” (but for the LOVE OF GOD, if you do, turn on safe search) I was amazed at how much bigger everyone’s bump was. I thought it would be nice to know I wasn’t in danger of getting a talking to from my doctor on Thursday, warning about the dangers of excess weight gain.

I WAS SO WRONG. I cannot believe how wrong I am. Ridiculously wrong. I can’t even tell you how much I’ve gained, it’s far far too embarrassing. Unless my baby is a large bowling ball, I have no excuse or explanation. The bacon thing ended months ago. I’ve lost my sweet tooth. I’m eating fruit and vegetables and chicken. There is soy milk in my fridge!! I swear if I wasn’t pregnant I’d be down five pounds instead of up [enter ridiculous number here]. Now instead of gloating when they weigh me on Thursday, I’m going to ask the doctor if there’s something wrong with me, or if I need to worry. Worry about the baby’s health I mean, there is no point in worrying about myself. The chances of ever wearing shorts or –  heaven forbid – a bikini again are about the same as my chances of becoming the Queen of Sheeba.

Please take my advice!