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I seem to be VERY CONTAGIOUS. If you are not and don’t want to be pregnant be extra careful! Just knowing me is enough, we don’t have to share a toothbrush or anything. This is your warning, don’t blame me when you find out you’re next!!

Do you think my baby will forgive me if it never meets it’s father because I KILLED HIM? I mean, I could always prop the body up on the couch in front of his computer. He’d have the same level of interaction with his family as he does now. The only people who might notice are the 14 year olds he plays World of Warcraft with, but I’m sure they can find someone else to call a homo and kill dragons.

I suppose I’d have to find someone else to clean the litterbox once a month, but that won’t be too hard. MOST PEOPLE are willing to help out a pregnant woman, even if they’re in the middle of fighting imaginary wizards and sh*t.

1. I’ve said “Oh my God, I HATE CHILDREN” at least 4 times in the past 24 hours.
2. I spent an hour scrolling through 1,000,000+ Google results for “alcohol and pregnancy” until I finally found a website that said moderate drinking during my 2nd trimester probably wouldn’t ruin my baby’s life. It was on page 42.
3. If my baby came home now, it would have to sleep in a drawer.
4. The nursery is full of floor varnish fumes that may or may not be toxic.
5. I think my cat is waaaay too needy.
6. My car is completely inappropriate for a baby. I have no plans to sell it.
7. I cheer when shows on HBO have nudity warnings.
8. The last time I mopped the floor was…never.
9. I had cheeseburgers for breakfast and pie for lunch.
10. I would like to murder the entire cast of High School Musical 3 with a pair of pliers.

Could someone please tell me where I got these THINGS UNDER MY ARMS? AND WHY ARE THEY FLAPPING? I am only 26 – at what point did I turn into an old person? Next I’m going to start wearing scarves to hide my neck wrinkles and complaining about my joint pain. I HAVE JOINT PAIN. I know having children ages you but I thought that only applied when you had ACTUAL CHILDREN. WHY DOES MY BABY HATE ME?

Me: (Frustrated because none of my bras fit) Ugh, if my boobs get any bigger I don’t know what I’m going to do with them.

E: I have some suggestions.

 

I apologize if I just traumatized anyone.

I thought I was really clever, getting pregnant in July. I can use “eating for two” for Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter. If the baby holds out long enough I can even use it for my birthday (although if I am still pregnant on April 10th you might not want to remind me). It’s easier for E to get time off during the holidays so we’ll be able to see our family a few times – which means they’ll have plenty of opportunity to buy us baby stuff. I had these movie-like scenes in my head of busy Christmas shoppers stopping to buy me hot chocolate or give up their bench at the mall for the happy, glowing pregnant woman. It didn’t occur to me that no one can tell I’m pregnant.

When you’re NOT pregnant, you live in fear that your empire waist dress or flowy top makes you look knocked up. You dread people asking when your non-existent baby is due and having to tell them “sorry, I just had a big lunch.” But now that I am pregnant, people are too concerned with insulting a fat chick to say anything. My winter clothes (it’s freezing here!!!!) don’t help. Those amazing maternity jeans look so much like regular pants no one can tell. Sweatshirts, warm sweaters and puffy jackets hide my still kind of small belly almost entirely. At the grocery store I bought pickles, cupcakes, ice cream, hot sauce, peanut butter and milk – but the looks I got were more like “you don’t really need that ice cream, chubs” instead of “oh you silly pregnant people and your cravings!” I’m 17 weeks along and no one has smiled at this happy, glowing pregnant woman yet. I’m afraid that until my water actually breaks and I’m in active labor not a single stranger is going to congratulate me.

I’m not saying I miss the unwanted belly touching and unsolicited advice many pregnant women complain about. This is my first baby. No amount of rational thought is going to convince me it shouldn’t be the MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD to every person I meet. This is probably the only time in my life I’ll wish I was fatter – and I’m sure in four months I’m going to wonder what the hell I was thinking – but until I am totally, unmistakably, hugely pregnant I don’t think I’ll ever believe this baby is for real.

Please to be buying me things from this site: Wry Baby  (stolen from madktdisease’s blog).

I’m taking this advice to heart (link from ohdeedoh).

This is such a cute idea, I’m going to order copies for both sides of the family.

I was checking my weekly update on iVillage but won’t be doing that anymore. The idea of this living inside me is going to give me nightmares.

At 3:42 pm today I ate an entire jar of pickles. This pregnancy is officially ON.

My pains have sort of spread out over both shoulders and my neck so I’m definitely calling it flu-shot related. Hopefully I’ll be able to sleep tonight so I can actual do something tomorrow. Like brush my teeth or put on socks.

Disclaimer: So what if I went to a Renaissance Fair? It’s not like I dressed up and spoke in ye olde English. I even refuse to spell “fair” with the extra “e”. I don’t need to you make fun of me, E is doing plenty of that already even though he plays World of Warcraft and has no right to call anyone a dork.

One of the shows involved two guys sword fighting while making lots of gay innuendos and off-color jokes. They warned the audience beforehand that it might be a little too PG-13 for kids. One of their scenes involved the guy with the Bon Jovi hair getting his sword stolen by the guy with the New York accent. 
Bon Jovi: Give me my sword back!
New York: What’s the magic word?
BJ: NOW!
NY: That’s not it.
BJ: Come on, dude!
NY: Not it either.
BJ: Damnit!
NY: There you go, now you remember the magic word!
Then both guys look at an 8 year old boy in the audience and prompt: Hey kid, what’s the magic word?

Without missing a beat, the kid yells “PLEASE!” 
I think his mother almost cried she was so proud. I cried from laughing so hard.

My arm hurts. Really hurt. Like,  a lot. But it isn’t the arm I got my flu shot in, that arm hurt the day they did it and a little on Saturday but not at all since. My LEFT arm – mostly my shoulder – is what kept me from getting any sleep last night. I just thrashed around moaning and wondering how long I should wait before I woke E up and told him I was having a heart attack. He’s a really sound sleeper.

This morning I got a little rest, just from sheer exhaustion. I’m going to take a hot bath and maybe a couple Tylenol, but if it keeps hurting this much I’m going to have to suck it up and call my doctor. It actually feels much better now that I’m doing stuff and not just wallowing in self pity. I think I’m just achy from the flu shot but it’s making me a grumpy, angry, miserable pregnant woman. I can’t even be excited that I felt the baby moving last night. Yeah, whatever Baby, I can’t sleep either so just shut up and keep your pointy elbows to yourself.

Tomorrow at 10 am is my 16 week doctor’s appointment. At my last checkup, I spent twice as long waiting as I did seeing the doctor, but she did quickly mentioned the next appointment would be when they check for Down Syndrome and other scary birth defects. I completely skipped those chapters in What to Be Terrified of Expect and I might have accidentally thrown away all the pamphlets they gave me at the first appointment, so I don’t really know what they’ll be checking. I’m hoping it involves another ultrasound so maybe we can resolve the boy/girl question a few weeks early. Then I can buy BABY STUFF. But for the next 12 hours I’m going to be a nervous wreck, especially after Jezebel re-posted this article today (just in case anyone who reads this didn’t see it). I have completely blocked out the part of my mind that wants to think or talk about what the results of tomorrow exam means. Seriously, I can’t even bring myself to type anything about it. So just send your prayers, happy thoughts and any extra good karma you might have laying around my way and I’ll post an update as soon as I can.

APPOINTMENT UPDATE: Today was useless. No ultrasound, just a Doppler to make sure there was a heartbeat (there was). I also had blood drawn for a quad screen test but no results for a couple weeks, and a flu shot. Now I’m all kinds of tired from staying up worrying plus the needles made me feel queasy so I’m just going to take a nap. My ultrasound is on November 6th.

I love email! It's like talking to other grown ups without having to worry if the baby is screaming! Contact me: bebehblog@gmail.com
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