I’ve been reading – or trying to read – several pregnancy message boards. I feel like pregnancy has made me part of a special mommy club, but I’m not exactly sure when or where the meetings are. I say “trying to read” because most of the time I get caught up inthe trying to conceive (TTC) boards. They’re full of acronyms and medical terms and words that have never been part of my vocabulary, but for these women it’s as normal as their own names. Some of them have spent 3, 5, 10 plus years praying to every deity they can name that this month they finally get a little pink plus sign. It’s a club no one wants to belong to, but once they’re in the support and understanding of the other members must be invaluable. I feel like an intruder in these women’s thoughts but I am so fascinated with their world that I can’t stop myself from looking.

I was very, very, very lucky. Once we decided to try it only took a few months off the pill and one month of period math to make it happen. I’m still only at 10 weeks, so I can’t yet say this pregnancy will definitely end in a health baby, but at least if something were to happen I wouldn’t be afraid to try again. I’m actually a little startled it happened so fast. I know once you’re having unprotected sex you should be prepared for the consequences, but one of the reasons we started trying so young (compared to most people we know) was because I was afraid it would take several years. We had some friends in Virginia Beach who began trying at 22…and 5 years later were on their second round of IVF. It was such a stressful time for them it almost ended their marriage. Is having a biological child worth losing your husband?

I think if you’ve never been personally asked to make a choice you can’t know what you would do in a situation. If we had spent the required 12 to 18 months trying without any luck, what would have been our next step? Doctor’s appointments? IVF? Adoption? Would I have accepted that it wasn’t meant to be and just enjoyed being a family of two? I know I don’t have to worry about these things right now, but that’s never stopped me before. I’ve been thinking a lot about timing – both good and bad – and this is just the first half of it.  I wish life was fair and pregnancy was like a gumball machine. When you want a baby, you put in a quarter and turn the leaver. You don’t know exactly what you’re gonna get – a blue one or a pink one or maybe two at once! – but you can decide when the timing is right for YOUR gumball.

The opposite of infertility – unplanned, unprepared, unwanted pregnancy – is my thought for tomorrow.

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