Tonight E gave me the news that not only are we going to the semi-formal chief’s Khaki Ball in a few weeks, we’re also going to the formal Submarine Ball (or is it the Navy Ball?) in October. In the 7 years I have known him and the 4 years we’ve been married we have NEVER gone to a single Navy event, let alone one I need a fancy dress for. And since the Khaki Ball is cocktail attire and the Sub Ball is fancier, I’m going to need not one but TWO new dresses. Normally this idea would excited me – and also send me into a fit of working out, eating nothing but Slimfast, and cruising websites for discount designer attire. Instead I am freaking the heck out about how I buy a dress 4-6 weeks in advance when I’m gaining weight at roughly light-speed. The maternity store at my mall (the only maternity store in the area) has nothing resembling formalwear. It’s not prom season, and even if it was I don’t really think the slutty neon satin nightgowns that pass for prom dresses these days are appropriate for a 26 year old mother-to-be. (Not that I can’t be slutty, it’s the satin I have an aversion to.) I figure my best options are either to see what’s available in the – ugh – Women’s section of the department stores, or to find something online with a nice forgiving empire waist and a low price tag.  Since I am not Angelina Jolie and I will never look like this my choices are limited. I think the words “empire waist” are definitely my new best friends.

I tried Bluefly, but even at “40% off designer prices!!!!!” I can only afford a third of a dress. Although I kind of love this one: Cocktail dress, I need someone to slap me and remind me tent dresses are for 8 foot tall models, not chubby preggers. In a moment of weakness I decided to Google “evening gowns” and ended up on the Spiegel site. This one: Blue dress, is super cheap, would be a great color on me, and has enough stretch to forgive a few pounds, but I’m afraid it’s not dressy enough. The “ankle length” part also scares me – what shoes do I wear? I may end up ordering this one: White dress, although I can’t help but think white may not be the right color for a pale blond. PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME. Isn’t teen pregnancy common enough to make a site for maternity prom dresses? Pregnant girls deserve limo rides, awkward dancing, and forced socialization too.

Also, if I ever EVER consider wearing THIS I need someone to please lock me up as soon as possible. Or pretty much anything on this page. I am obviously not well.