I don’t like the idea of naming a child. I can’t even name my own cat, instead, I let my Facebook friends do it. But I don’t think that’s really an option for my actual, human baby, even though right now we are referring to it as “The Tadpole”. Please don’t call child protective services. I know I have a whole pregnancy to make this decision, but I’m not sure I can handle the pressure. Especially without alcohol.

Luckily, if we have a boy the decision is already made for me. My husband is a second, like King George II. His parents didn’t want to him to be called Junior his whole life, so they went with roman numerals instead. Also lucky is the fact that he has a perfectly nice name, so it’s not like I’m being forced to carry on a family tradition of torturing babies with names like Tarquin Farnsworth IV. I have also taken a poll of the people I know who have numbers (consisting entirely of my boss who’s a third) and they conclude growing up with the same name as your dad is one of the less cruel things you can do to a kid. Much less cruel than naming him Chevy or Mustang or Harley Davidson.

My real dilemma is naming a girl. I have a couple names I like, a few that are off limits, and of course the Baby Name Test. I didn’t invent the baby name test but I’m certainly going to run all possible girl names by it. You just take your baby’s potential name and insert it into the following two sentences:

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I now introduce to you the President of the United States, ________________.” or

“Now appearing on the main stage of the Lusty Beaver, _________________.”

Mostly I’m just afraid of falling into that crazy world parents live in where the desire to name your child something that illustrates its amazing spectacular specialness makes you think Bryannyan is an awesome name. Much like all the people here: http://www.notwithoutmyhandbag.com/babynames/index.html (Thanks Sara!) I also don’t want to name it Jennifer or Emily or Elizabeth or Michelle, no offense to anyone, because I have a really common last name, and wouldn’t want the baby to be Jennifer-D-the-one-with-red-hair her whole life. Although these days even the most uncommon names aren’t. I know two babies named Nevaeh – heaven backwards – and both sets of parents think they “made up” the name. Does anyone have a super awesome secret perfect baby name they want to give me?

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